SARAH MITCHELL
THE YOUNGEST/ONLY/OLDEST CHILD
A Reflection on Self
THE RESEARCH
Psychology is a field of study that is just beginning to acquire basic research on the brain as well as how personality, mental health, and social interactions work. We are just beginning to understand what makes each of us who we are and how we make decisions. There have been many studies pointing out the characteristics of individuals who are born in certain orders in their families. There is much research about oldest children, middle children, youngest children, and only children. The different birth orders display different characteristics because of parental interaction with children and sibling interaction with each other.
There are several traits that oldest children tend to exhibit according to researchers. Much research focuses on them in comparison to youngest children. Oldest children tend to be successful leaders and can have “higher occupational prestige” (Herrera). The older children are concerned with their parent's opinions and feed off of adult attention. They are dutiful and conservative. They can have great anxiety in risky activities and are more extroverted compared to siblings (Hartmann). The firstborns have a head start in education, health, and attention from parents which leads to a higher IQ (Kluger). Oldest children receive undivided parental attention for a time which leads them to have those leadership qualities.
Middle children typically hold the peace in the family. They are nearly invisible and unbothered by their parents. According to Kluger, “the upside for middleborns is that they also tend to develop denser and richer relationships outside the home. But that advantage comes also from something of a disadvantage, simply because their needs weren't met as well in the home” (Kluger). The middle children are always seeking to gain that recognition in the family given to other siblings (Kluger). They mesh well and are good listeners. The middle children can act as the glue that holds sibling order together.
Youngest children can be considered entertainers in many ways. Many famous satirists such as Twain, Voltaire, and Colbert. The youngest child does tend to have less financial success and smaller IQs. To be able to adapt to threats from siblings, younger siblings usually use more humor and mature social skills to cope with difficult circumstances (Kluger). These entertaining qualities are a result of their interaction with siblings. Youngest children can be quite vibrant and humorous and also quite rebellious compared to their older siblings.
Only children can be considered a bit selfish and are usually put in a bad light. Sandler objects to the ideas of only children displaying negative characteristics. She names off attributes such as “leadership, maturity, extroversion, social participation, popularity, generosity, cooperativeness, flexibility, emotional stability, contentment (Sandler)” as being some of the most redeeming qualities of only children. These only children establish a good sense of self and good relationships with adults as well as can acquire independence and confidence. The only child could be lonely and under intense attention from parents (Sandler). This direction and attention from parents and lack of other siblings is what makes the only children so full of self-assurance.
In research about age gaps psychologists have very general statements such as “Sulloway, author of Born to Rebel, offers the idea that birth order provides differences between siblings especially when one is later born” (Eckstein). Along with this statement, psychologists warn against stereotyping based on birth order but there is no conclusive research for individuals that do not have the typical four molds mentioned above. General statements such as “Our siblings are the only ones who are with us for the entire ride. Over the arc of decades, there may be nothing that defines us and forms us more powerfully than our relationship with our sisters and brothers. It was true for me, it's true for your children and if you have siblings, it's true for you, too.” (Kluger) ignore the fact that there are individuals who do not fall into the categories of growing up with their siblings and having them along for the ride. I am one of those children who exhibit several of the typical qualities of all the different groups, except middle children. I do not fit into one category and there is not enough research about children with age gaps like my own that explores the way different parental interaction and sibling interaction can affect individuals like myself.
Works Cited:
Eckstein, Daniel. “Empirical Studies Indicating Significant Birth-Order-Related Personality Differences.” Journal of Individual Psychology, vol. 56, no. 4, Winter 2000, p. 481. EBSCOhost, search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=pbh&AN=9049879&site=ehost-live.
Hartmann, Corinna, and Sara Goudarzi. “Does Birth Order Affect Personality?” Scientific American Mind, vol. 30, no. 6, Nov. 2019, pp. 18–20. EBSCOhost, search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=pbh&AN=139129443&site=ehost-live.
Herrera, Nicholas C., et al. “Beliefs about Birth Rank and Their Reflection in Reality.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, vol. 85, no. 1, July 2003, pp. 142–150. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1037/0022-3514.85.1.142.
Kluger, Jeffrey. “Transcript of ‘The Sibling Bond.’” TED, www.ted.com/talks/jeffrey_kluger_the_sibling_bond/transcript.
Sandler, Lauren. “Only Children: Lonely and Selfish?” The New York Times, The New York Times, 8 June 2013, www.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/opinion/sunday/only-children-lonely-and-selfish.html
Personal Thoughts:
I was quite a shock to my family. My mom was 50 years old when I was born, and my parents were not expecting me to come at all. They had already had 7 kids before me and were ready to be empty-nesters in the next few years. They thought that they were done having kids, but I stopped that idea the moment I showed up on the ultrasound screen. My siblings were all shocked as well. My brother-in-law shared how he knew that someone was pregnant. When he received the news, he thought it was one of my teenage sisters but that was unlikely since my sisters were practically nuns at that time, so my sister had to explain in further detail that it was my mom and not one of my sisters that had had an immaculate conception.
This immaculate conception of a child 12 years after my closest sister was very different from her other pregnancies. First, my mom was worried about my health. The chances of being born with Down Syndrome were raised since my mom was older. My mom had to have a C-section for the first time in all her pregnancies. On top of that, she was raising teenagers while she was looking after a newborn. It had been a long time since she had looked after a newborn baby. Just the beginning of my life for me was filled with peculiar and abnormal experiences.
Growing up, people mistook my parents for my grandparents and my siblings for parents at different times. If my brother and one of my sisters would walk around town together, they would get many people passing by admiring their baby. It was humorous at times. Along with this, my nephew was born a month before me. When we were together, and even now people mistake us as twins. There were many things that people from the outside did not understand.
When my siblings left the house, I found myself very lonely at times. I had grown to love seeing them come home from school to play with me and then one day they all left for college leaving me only with my parents. I began to operate more like an only child, growing closer and closer with my parents until they had become my best friends. When my parents were busy, I usually played quietly with myself or read. I loved reading and I loved pretending to be in other worlds. The characters from my books would often come alive as I played with dolls, stuffed animals, and Playmobil figures.
I found that I had hours to myself, even after I had entered school. It was easy to keep to myself but there were times I did long for friends. Going to school helped me to fill a little bit of that loneliness that I had. I loved to entertain and to make people laugh. I made many friends my first few years of school. There were times I felt frustrated at school. My very first day of kindergarten I remember walking into the classroom and sitting with another girl and showing her that I could read well. She said she couldn’t read the book I was reading, and I offered to teach her myself until my teacher came over and made us sit in our desks. It was the first time I had been scolded for reading in my life. It was a bit insulting to my independent way of thinking. I know now that the teacher was just trying to start class but at the time it was unsettling. There were times I would grasp concepts easily and become bored and then there were times that I did not understand in school and did not ask for help because I was a little bit afraid/I wanted to do things on my own.
I loved it when my siblings would come during holidays to visit. I knew that we would be able to play, and I loved showing off for them and for any other company that came to the house. I wrote my siblings letters and I was overjoyed when those letters were returned. I still could not help but feel disconnected with my siblings though because of the distance and the age differences.
As I grew into my teenage years my relationship with my parents was like a rubber band. Like most teenagers, I would stretch away from my parents and then come back. We would fight and the I would come closer to them after. I was especially close to my mom since my dad was away at work. There were days where I would set up a meal out on our screen porch along with freshly picked flowers. There were also days that I would find myself screaming at my mom over the dumbest things. It was mostly a lack of control or freedom. Throughout the disagreements, I always found myself coming back to my mom as a best friend. I grew close with both my parents as I got older. It was hard for both of us as I left home.
These last couple of years I have found out so much about the way I interact with others. When it comes to romantic relationships, friendships, and roommate relationships I find that I operate very differently than most people do. I find it difficult to relate when people talk about their relationships with their siblings and parents. Describing this to someone else is difficult. It’s hard to explain that you are lonely, but you like to be alone and you are submissive and want to have fun, but you also love to lead and feel a need to be responsible. I feel there are a lot of conflicting traits that I have developed from this experience growing up with parents that are grandparents/parents/siblings, siblings that are old enough to be my parents, and nephews and nieces that are a typical cousin or siblings age. It doesn’t make sense to many people, but this experience has shaped who I am. The lack of labels that Psychology produces for people with age gaps like me means there is an open field for exploration that is beginning to widen with the divide and combinations of different families. I am here to share my personal experiences to contribute to the lack of research for people like me.
Before Earth
It’s kinda like when two people sit over those foreign fish tanks to have the dead skin eaten off by a fish. Two people sit on clouds except they aren’t really people. One is God and one is me before I existed. There are theories that we all have as I watched seven of my family hatch. I just held hands with God, and he smiled. My mom says I sat on the edge of that cloud and I argued with God and by the time he finally pushed me off the cloud, 12 earth years had passed. Some say that I argued with God to let me go and he held me back. The third idea comes from my sister Kara (who was pregnant at the same time as my mom) where she claims that her son Nathan and I were supposed to be twins. She said that God knew that she couldn’t handle both of us, so she sent one to mom and one to her. I’m not sure which theory I like best but all I know is that I’m here and it seems a little late but also exactly when I am supposed to be here.
WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO BE SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE?
Nathan
We are a pair of Siamese twins who weren’t born at the same time and we don’t share any body parts or even the same mom. I remember when we were both 14 using my “aunt status” to get past a pool attendant. She asked if you were old enough to swim alone and you said you weren’t 16 but that your aunt was coming. We are only a month apart but my title as an aunt got us places. It’s second nature to you and me to fool people with our looks. We look like twins. I think it must have been very hard for us to part in heaven before we came. We got our little travel assignments and I knew you departed weeks before me. You got into that little tube that bankers send suckers in and they put you in the shoot. A piece of me was gone. I watched you and waited for my turn. We weren’t separated for long though. Only an earth month separated our arrival. It’s funny that your mom is my sister and my mom is your grandma, but we are the same age. I’ve never not been an aunt and that is because of you.
HONEST
I won’t lie to you
If your hair looks bad
But I still love you
No really, I think you’re rad
But I’m more honest than the doctor’s scale
I never think before I speak
And I’m sure you can tell
When I offend you
Every day of the week
But I love you more than words can speak
Kara and Mom
Two ladies blown up like balloons. Two camel’s backs. Two boobs, one smaller than the other. Two fortune teller’s glass balls that people who don’t even have turbans on rub for luck. Two bicycle tires. Two half-moons. Two halves of a chocolate chip cookie. Two beach balls at graduation. Two prayers. Two kangaroo pouches. Two kids upside down in a hammock. Two spring buds on newborn trees. Two beer bellies. Two basketballs under the shirt. Two closed walnut shells. Two little lady bugs sitting on a wall. Two sushis. Two pregos, one mom and one daughter. Weird looks but miracles inside those bellies.
EIGHT MOMS AND TWO DADS
I got 8 moms and 2 dads
They all think they birthed me but only two did
They boss me around
And I’m like a teenager on a road
With 800 conflicting traffic signs.
When one is happy
5 are apathetic
And the rest of them are furious
When Mom and Dad found out they were a bit shocked. Mom always tells me that a month before I showed up on the radar, she was holding a family friend’s newborn baby girl, Leah. Leah was a big and healthy baby and my mom tells me she remembers thinking I am so glad this isn’t me holding another baby of mine. (she was pretty done having kids) Little did she know that she wasn’t quite old enough to be let off the hook. My momma wanted to name me Katherine, but my daddy insisted on Sarah. I just think it’s kinda ironic that he would name me Sarah because Sarah in the Bible was also way older than a woman should be when she and Abraham had Isaac. I imagined my parents were both thoroughly shocked as was everyone else. Call it a mistake, a miracle, or fate, and people do, but I’m here now born 12 years later than my closest sibling to a mom who was just 50 years old. Don’t ask me how that’s possible.
I like to think about what my siblings were all doing when they found out about me. I have a journal that my sister Erin started when she found out I was coming. She said everyone in our family was paired up with a buddy except her. Emily and Kara were buddies, Mark and Laurie were buddies, Anna and Kristen were buddies. She always felt like the odd one out and so she was thrilled to know that she would have a buddy after all. Erin’s journal to me was written in her teenage years and as I read it gave me some insights as to the emotions and feeling that my family may have had at the time of my birth. She said there was this one particular time that everyone was sitting around joking and she turned to my mom and said something like “you seem to be gaining a little weight there mom.” and tapped her sweater expecting it to fold in but it did not. This was one of the many signs that showed up as they prepared for my arrival.
When the day came, there was a lot of excitement. My older siblings, Emily, Kara, Scott, and Laurie were all out at school awaiting news of my arrival. Erin, Anna, and Kristen, my three sisters closest in age were still at home. They were at a youth activity at church. My mom was scheduled for a C-section because I kept flipping the wrong way and the doctor was worried. I can imagine my family being excited but a little stressed because of the complications. My cousin Dean, who had just graduated from West Point and his brother Michael were in town visiting at the time, and I am told they fell in love with me when I was born. Although I came as a shock to most I can definitely say I was born into a family of love.
MISUNDERSTANDINGS
In a conversation
My words can sometimes be ignored
Or taken as insults
Or people begin to look bored
And they just don’t understand the results
Of a compassionate heart
with an honest mouth
accustomed to older
less offended
more experienced
friends
What people said growing up
What people said growing up...
“Are those your grandparents?” Meghan asked. “No, that’s my mom and dad,” I said. My teammates on my soccer team looked at me funny but then we just kept on playing, no more questions asked.
“Wait, does that mean you’re a mistake?” He asked laughing. “Yeah I guess in a way,” I replied. He straightened his face. “Or a miracle, maybe you’re some sort of angel...” he said.
“I can’t understand that kind of family dynamic. How...? Wait, how did that happen again?”
“Sarah, I will have to tease you because you never had siblings to do that for you. Your sister told me I had to” he stated with a mischievous face.
“Your mom was 50 when she had you!”
“Maybe you’re Down and nobody has really ever told you.” he said. “I hope so...”
“Your oldest sister could be your mom... that’s my mom’s age!”
“There is no way your parents are that age...”
INDEPENDENCE
If you are gonna force me to be potty trained
I’ll pee the bed
Until I make up my mind that peeing the bed is a kid thing to do
Tell me not to give you ultimatums
And I'll tell you the same thing back
I can be parents like you
If you’re gonna send me to school
I’ll read when I like
and when you tell me to memorize the alphabet
I’ll read the whole children’s book
When I play
I make up my own stories
I don’t need anyone else to play along
And when you say I’m failing at math
Don't tutor me. I wanna figure it out
If you take me on a date
and ask to be my boyfriend
just know I won’t need you always
I have myself for that
I want you
And if you want me to move or take a job or go to school
or make any choice
I’ll make sure that’s what I want to do first
DEAR ANNA AND KRISTEN,
I FOUND THIS NOTE I WROTE YOU BEHIND THE PIANO:
LONELY
You know it’s bad when you read the whole book about horses in an hour
The one next to your sister’s boyfriend’s wallet you stole
Or the memories of the three packs of orange Trident gum that you stole and chewed all at once in one big setting under your parent’s bed.
You’ll sit under the stairs in the little nook where you hide from your brother
That lives too far away anyway to find you.
You'll hold up the little toy horses and Lego men and you’ll make up voices
You pretend you know how siblings love and play
You sit out there on the swing in your backyard and let mosquitos bite
Because your sister is in her college class and she’d never bite you
You have conversations with people that do not exist
You'll cross the bridge in the woods like a queen and turn around to find you don’t have any visible subjects
When your oldest sister comes home, she’ll find the notes you wrote
The ones behind the piano
And the ones you wrote in your journal
Stories you tell because you were bored.
You have a box of gifts people give you when they leave and there are a lot
The only ones who stay are your grandparents slash parents slash siblings slash best friends but you'll leave them one day and hear stories
About people who didn’t talk to themselves
They will laugh at you funny when you don’t talk loud enough for them to hear
Or when your jokes are so off the wall that Vans should sponsor you.
They won’t believe you when you try to prove to them
You love them like siblings
And then one day they will leave too
And you’ll be lonely when people are there and when they are not.
I told him not to come early. “My dad will talk about rocks the whole time and I’ll still be getting ready,” I said. I told him not to hold my hand when I stuffed them both tight between my legs, but he put his out boldly next to me in the car waiting for me to reciprocate. I told him that he was my best friend, but he was distracted. I told him I didn’t love him back, but he still loved me. We still talk. I told him. I’ve never kissed a boy, but that didn’t stop him. I told him that his pick-up lines made me nervous, but he kept using them. I told him that I’d write, and I did, every week until he stopped, and his mom kept begging me to talk to him. I told him my hands were cold and he held them tight and warmed them up. I told him that I left that pearl earring in his car and he kept it even after I said I couldn’t love him. I told him I loved him (except I didn’t say it) and he moved far away from me just to have another girl reject him and have him keep moving closer and getting more girls to love him but not as much as I did. I told him he was the best and he dropped me in the sand. I told him that I thought he was cool, but I was not really interested. I told him that I wanted to be more than friends and he said he wanted to be a casual thing. I told him I had a crush on him, but it didn’t last long. I told him to tell me when he was bored of me and he flew across the ocean. He told me he was bored after I flew back invested in him. I told him that I’d never met anyone like him, and he told me “don’t move away,” except he didn’t say that, but I wish he had. I told Him I need a nice guy and I’m still trying to figure out how to act around nice guys.
RELATIONSHIPS
Do you really know how to love?
You only know how they loved you
But you never felt it back
And when you did, they denied it
Or found someone who could show it better
Because you suck at showing love
And you sat there
Just as distant as always
Trying to distract yourself with beats
And rhythms of music
Instead of pulses and heartbeats
Finders Keepers Losers Weepers
Alicia,
When you told my mom, I stole your horse I got grounded for three days. Why did you tell her I stole it? You said we could share for a while. Your mom really hates me, I think. One time when we were playing at your house, she made us some hot dogs. I didn't finish mine, but you asked me to play so I did. I left my plate on the table to return and when we came back it was gone. I asked your mom and she said, “finder’s keepers, loser’s weepers.” You said the same thing when we moved away, and you bought my favorite item from our home: The toilet paper holder that was shaped like a house. I was guarding it so my parents couldn’t sell it, but you convinced your mom to buy it because you knew how much I liked it. I complained but you won. You kept it and I cried.
SERIOUS
What’s the point of being serious?
Is that why they call me mysterious?
I’m stuck in my head
And they’re cracking jokes instead
I’m an old soul
In a young person’s body
Like an old book
In a brand-new flimsy bookcase
Open me up and dust me off and you’ll find
Deep.
I’m not a plastic bag they give at the grocery store that you’d never keep
I’m that crate in the back
The kind that once held milk bottles
The kind that goes to multiple uses to carry others
And I tell secrets with every particle of dust
Every scratch, and every re-paint job
Except I’m looking new
And I don’t have scratches you can see
And I might still rip like a plastic grocery bag under weight
I’m new
But I don’t feel like I am just like you.
HUMOR
In the company truck
I figured how to crack those
Good kinda jokes
That dent leathery smiles.
They needed wit and intelligence
And no low form of humor
Could put a smile there
So, I whipped that humor into shape
Until it was shocking enough for the experienced
To pull out a cookie from the cookie jar
Or a laugh from the kangaroo pouch
To reward you for making them laugh.
I have this peculiar bond with my parents. I grew up with them in the same house kind of like siblings. I called them my grandparents one time when I was little because I heard my nephew saying that and it made more sense for me to call them Grandma and Grandpa instead of Mom and Dad. In talking with my parents now I feel like they can talk with me like my other siblings talk to each other. It’s kind of weird not knowing what my siblings are referencing or looking back at the one family video we have and knowing that I’m not in it. I can always look to my parents though and they have just as many memories with me that my siblings have with each other, so I guess it fills that void I feel. Another funny thing is, I have my own family video to myself. I found it when I was about 13 in an old box and I decided to watch it. In the video I am a bleached blond little tyke with crazy blue eyes and soft laughs. My babysitter, Mary Foster decided to make a record of that cute innocent child that I was. There is a scene of me splashing in the bathtub with spiked hair, there is one of me running, and there is a scene where I decided to sled down a grassy hill. Mary Foster says in her smooth but raspy voice, “oh honey, you’ll get grass stains all over your pants if you do that! Please stop that.” The look on my face was full of embarrassment in the film. I can still feel that ashamed feeling that I had then now. I always wanted to please my parents and other adults around me, and it caused me pain when I didn’t. My mom walked in on me watching that video of myself. I remember having a good conversation about it.
Later, I would develop a curious mind. I felt like I was always asking questions. My mom was there to help me answer questions about anything. Together my parents shared many experiences they have had in their life with me. They trust me with their memories. I don’t know if it is just easier to share them with me since time has passed or what but sometimes, I feel like my siblings don’t always know what my parents experienced. I will bring up a story or fact about them and some of my siblings are finding things out from me about my parents much like I find out things about them. My dad talked to me about the struggle he had as a teenager and moving into adulthood. He felt like he was not taking the path of continuing the farm that his dad wanted him to take. He decided a different career path. I can feel a little bit of what he felt as he shared that with me. My mom shared with me how she felt when it came to pressure in school. She shares now with me her personal hardships and struggles since we talk often. I feel like she really trusts me as a friend.
My mother took me to class with her as she was finishing her master's degree. Years later I attended high school with her classroom very close to some of my own classrooms. After my four years was up, we stood on the same stage and she presented a lei with my degree to me as I graduated. We placed the picture of me as a little girl next to her in her graduation gown and the picture of the both of us in our graduation gowns the day, I completed high school. We have shared many memories together.
I was part of an intervention for my dad who has worn a blue shirt most of the days of his life. I convinced him a red shirt would do him good and he took my suggestions. He was happy to share with my how shocked but proud his boss was when he walked into work the following week. We have shared music and a love for melted cheese on a plate and other various unhealthy foods and tastes.
I have really grown with these two friends of mine that I call parents. When it came time for me to go on my mission, they were already in the MTC ready to serve their own mission. As I walked the warm sunny southern California streets they drove into cold Swedish winters. We shared differing experiences and all of us came back close to the same time to share our experiences of service. We have all been alongside each other as we have completed milestones.
CREATIVE
Creative:
I have a mind that can’t be silenced
I make up stories to pass time
And when I look at sunshine
Sometimes I like to rhyme
Sometimes I like to paint pictures with words
And sometimes I just like to dream up
Ideas
And inventions
And all sorts of ways
To change the world
To share my emotions
To stop the late-night thoughts
To knock ticks of my list of things that I want to write about
To put on the art wall
To get dumb puns out of my head and onto paper and out of sight
To describe beautiful
To cradle love
Abandon loneliness
Embrace leadership
cope with different opinions
To say something offensive and angry without being angry an offensive
To be at peace with myself
To be at peace with others
To explain why my relationships have so many
roadblocks
To share wisdom from old people
Share selfishness
To show I can do it on my own
To entertain
Make people laugh
Remember
Love
Help them be afraid
Help them know
I want to make them proud
Help them know
I can love
I am different
But I am loving